The blog and not being ‘normal’.

Hello again :)

I want to write things down, and see them in black and white. This seems to be the best way to do it. I don’t neccasarily want it to be ‘public’, however, having the small chance that it could be read is also in some way important. 

So I’ll resurrect my blog, make notes in blog format, write what it is that I’m thinking about and try and make sense of it. Maybe this will help in some small way to clear my mind, and make some important decisions. 

An Outsider!

Peta, Scott and I went early to La Kambusa for a celebratory dinner of sorts after Peta sent her Kanzeli and I did Zellweger, both at Griffig sector.

Hayes and Susanne, walked in. The noise level increased. They chose another table as they were going to be 6 apparently. Then in walked Nathan and Ronveig.  I like Nathan a lot and we exchanged greetings,  Ronveig nodded. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me for dobbing her in to her husband but…. Anyway they sat with Paul and Susanne. Kamil and Linda turned up, they didn't speak but I got a polite wave from Kamil as they sat with P and S, N and R and Linda said hello a little later. Then Fred arrived and tagged on at one corner and joined in the fun, the noise levels now being high enough for us to want to leave. So we did, we paid and left after saying goodbye to the jolly crowd of friends, or rather, people I know. 

I don’t know fully why, but I feel like an outsider. Paul was very loud, centre of attention, yet we all know what he is like, a story teller, a fair-weather friend. So why is he so popular, or, more to the point, why am I not??? Why do none of them ask me to go climbing? Why has Patrick never been in touch? Kamil and I used to get on fine, and we climbed together a fair bit. What’s changed? Do I smell? Am I weird? I’d love to know. I might not like the reasons but for sure I’d love to understand what it is about me that seems to put some off. 

Even as a schoolboy in England, where I’d known every one of my peers since primary school, I was already different due to the religious choices of my parents. Then, as a new teenager, being moved up to Scotland made me not only religious, but also English!!! Double the difference, double the reasons to feel like an outsider.

And its been like that really ever since. Nowhere has felt quite like home. I seem to be used to the feeling of not quite fitting in, and I seem to need to move away from wherever I am on a fairly regular basis. Even here on Kalymnos amongst the immigrant British I feel weird, I think its mainly because I don’t drink much at all now, I eat healthily and quite early, and I don’t go out much. All of this is really to make the most of my climbing, my health and fitness while I still can, but for some reason, if you don’t socialise and especially if you don’t drink, you do not get invited to nights out once people begin to consider you as a bit weird, dull, focused or plain boring. Or, are there other reasons? I would love to know?

I guess I’m a bit weird. A bit selfish. A bit ‘too’ focused. Someone tell me because I really do not know why!