The personal front
I see her every now and then.
She’s usually happy, all smiles and big hair.
Once or twice we’ve actually passed on the scooters and exchanged a greeting and a smile.
I try to casually dismiss it, but inside.....inside it’s there. Still.
Time will fix things, I know. But.........
I miss my best friend. My constant.
I miss the fun we had together.
I miss those eyes.
I miss that walk!
I miss scooter hugs.
I miss the walks and talks to and from the crags.
I miss the silly giggles and laughs.
I miss the worrying!
I miss the caring, and caring for.
I miss the reliability.
I miss the knowledge.
I miss the energy.
I miss the love.
I miss her.
I’m so angry at times. So disappointed in myself..
I know what I didn't do for her.
I’m not sure what I did do for her?
I know what I sacrificed to try and make this work.
I know the people I sacrificed and hurt to try and make this work.
I don’t think she believes or understands that.
How we both tried. What we both tried. What we have lost.
Yes I miss her still. More than I imagined.
I will never forget those great times. That safe feeling.
I have to try and think, try and remember....
Yes, that face 3, maybe 2 inches from mine, spitting a venomous tirade of anger and frustration.
The threat, the feeling, ready to run.
Digging in my brain, delving into boxes locked and stored in dark corners.
Pulling out inner most thoughts, then beating me with them.
Twisting feelings and words and making knives to stab and wound.
Forcing my hand.
No. No more!
Now, I have feelings I’ve never had before. New ones.
Feelings I’ve heard about from others but never felt myself until now.
Pages seem to have been turned, chapters apparently finished. A liberation of sorts.
A change of heart, a new beginning, better late than never perhaps.
No, I never want to feel those hard feelings again.
I never want to feel the need to run away again.
I don’t want to feel compromised again, to keep trying again and again.
I won’t be made to feel that way again.
I’m not going to do that again.
I don’t want to get that close again.
It’s done now. I think, I hope I have found my way now.
I know for certain, something has changed.
Something has clicked. The penny has finally dropped.
Love. Love sucks! Love hurts. Relationships hurt. Separation hurts.
If nothing else I recognise how ‘she’ must have felt.
To have a life changed and have no control over the outcome, or the destination.
Should we ever rely on anyone so much?
Time to learn how to just enjoy the journey, and, yes maybe enjoy it alone... A fresh challenge.
The year ahead is a year to relax, to think, to regroup.
To decide to make no decisions.
To take life as it comes, to see where it goes and what is offered along the way.
The door to my heart is closed and well guarded, but not locked too tightly.
I want to be open to loving someone again.
I know it’s nice to be loved.
But I know it needs to be right.
A wise and lovely person said to me recently “ being single doesn’t mean being lonely”
I’ll raise a glass to that.
She’s usually happy, all smiles and big hair.
Once or twice we’ve actually passed on the scooters and exchanged a greeting and a smile.
I try to casually dismiss it, but inside.....inside it’s there. Still.
Time will fix things, I know. But.........
I miss my best friend. My constant.
I miss the fun we had together.
I miss those eyes.
I miss that walk!
I miss scooter hugs.
I miss the walks and talks to and from the crags.
I miss the silly giggles and laughs.
I miss the worrying!
I miss the caring, and caring for.
I miss the reliability.
I miss the knowledge.
I miss the energy.
I miss the love.
I miss her.
I’m so angry at times. So disappointed in myself..
I know what I didn't do for her.
I’m not sure what I did do for her?
I know what I sacrificed to try and make this work.
I know the people I sacrificed and hurt to try and make this work.
I don’t think she believes or understands that.
How we both tried. What we both tried. What we have lost.
Yes I miss her still. More than I imagined.
I will never forget those great times. That safe feeling.
I have to try and think, try and remember....
Yes, that face 3, maybe 2 inches from mine, spitting a venomous tirade of anger and frustration.
The threat, the feeling, ready to run.
Digging in my brain, delving into boxes locked and stored in dark corners.
Pulling out inner most thoughts, then beating me with them.
Twisting feelings and words and making knives to stab and wound.
Forcing my hand.
No. No more!
Now, I have feelings I’ve never had before. New ones.
Feelings I’ve heard about from others but never felt myself until now.
Pages seem to have been turned, chapters apparently finished. A liberation of sorts.
A change of heart, a new beginning, better late than never perhaps.
No, I never want to feel those hard feelings again.
I never want to feel the need to run away again.
I don’t want to feel compromised again, to keep trying again and again.
I won’t be made to feel that way again.
I’m not going to do that again.
I don’t want to get that close again.
It’s done now. I think, I hope I have found my way now.
I know for certain, something has changed.
Something has clicked. The penny has finally dropped.
Love. Love sucks! Love hurts. Relationships hurt. Separation hurts.
If nothing else I recognise how ‘she’ must have felt.
To have a life changed and have no control over the outcome, or the destination.
Should we ever rely on anyone so much?
Time to learn how to just enjoy the journey, and, yes maybe enjoy it alone... A fresh challenge.
The year ahead is a year to relax, to think, to regroup.
To decide to make no decisions.
To take life as it comes, to see where it goes and what is offered along the way.
The door to my heart is closed and well guarded, but not locked too tightly.
I want to be open to loving someone again.
I know it’s nice to be loved.
But I know it needs to be right.
A wise and lovely person said to me recently “ being single doesn’t mean being lonely”
I’ll raise a glass to that.
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